Monday, August 14, 2006

Who won? Who lost? I'm so confused again...

Today seemed like it was going to be a really cool day, because I took a look at the news early, and there was Tony Snow, telling me that that "diplomacy had won" in the conflict in Lebanon. That was really neat. Let me tell you, I had a dickens of a time controlling my excitement.

"Well Plimpie," I thought to myself, "This could be a solution for all of the middle east. Here it is! A seemingly new found tool in our 'arsenal of democracy'!" Did I mention I was excited?

You see, I figured that if this new American tactical weapon of diplomacy was victorious between Israelis and Arabs who have been fighting each other for 2000 years, then it could very easily be brought to bear in the struggle between Americans and Iraqi's, who've been fighting for......well...just a bit less than that (it just seems like 2000 years to me and you).

I excitedly glanced over the details of the diplomatic victory in Lebanon and checked off the key points and conditions:

- a national army will take over
- an international peacekeeping force will assist

This was wizardry! And to think it was crafted by such experienced diplomatic artisans as Condi Rice and John Bolton. But what really grabbed me was that those two elements were in essence what the majority of Americans wanted to see happen in Iraq also. Yes, a full 60 percent of our country opposes the war in Iraq.

Well you 60 percent people, we've got a new weapon now! Diplomacy! We've got razor sharp statesmen (sorry Condi - oh, by the way Condi, you weren't razor sharp as NSA either) ready to put a full court press on the Iraq war and win another diplomatic victory. I said, I was excited. Then some other news caught my eye a few minutes later. AP reported that Sheik Hassan Nasrallah (how do you become a sheik these days anyway?), the leader of hezobollah (hisbollah? Herbollabah?) announced that his fighters achieved a strategic, historic victory over Israel. The announcement induced his fighters to promptly fire off their guns, thereby technically cancelling the cease fire and tempering my excitement. But look, they were just celebrating by firing their guns in the air, not thinking that, just like their unguided rockets, these projectiles would actually land somewhere at a velocity near the speed of sound.

Alright...alright....look here. For a moment, I was a little confused. First I heard that Diplomacy had won, then I hear that Shick Nasrallah of Herbollabah had won. Now, Plimpie wasn't born yesterday. Gnomes are pretty keen on silliniess you see. After studying history, and watching Arab demagogues over the years, I knew that the minute hostilities ceased, the shick would hit the fan with an instant declaration of victory. Arab pride knoweth no humility. It also knoweth no depth of cowardly school yard mentality. THE BELL RANG, WE WON!! (never mind we were getting hammered and thank Allah the bell rang when it did).

Okay, as I said I was excited then confused for a moment. But Tony Snow told me the scoop so I had a place to rebound. You see, I knew that my government didn't play those silly school boy games. My president was mature and learned and....eloquent...and....well all that. A country like mine could recognize a tie and call it a diplomatic solution just like a principal coming out at recess and taking away the ball. My president was above childish arguements and jibes, and would rise above it, taking the moral high ground. His spokesman had already ...spoken, anyway. I was good to go, hehe.


Okay. I guess there is this kind of thing with the present White House where if they inadvertently put out a message of temperance and diplomacy that you only have to wait a day and that will get overwritten by (Dick Cheney - ) a person of interest. Anyway, I was going to go out and enjoy the afternoon thinking that I wouldn't have to get the overwrite until tomorrow morning, but, Holy Gnome Crap, this story came out from the AP before I could leave the house:

WASHINGTON -- President Bush, just hours after a cease-fire took hold Monday, said Hezbollah guerillas had suffered a sound defeat at the hands of Israel in their monthlong Mideast war.
The president also said the war was part of a broader struggle between freedom and terror, and he blamed Iran and Syria for fomenting the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah.
"We can only imagine how much more dangerous this conflict would be if Iran had the nuclear weapon it seeks," the president said.
Bush said Iran and Syria were the primary sponsors of Hezbollah guerrillas who captured two Israeli soldiers, igniting the battle with Israel. More than 900 people were killed in the fighting, and there was massive destruction in southern Lebanon.
Bush said the "responsibility for this suffering lies with Hezbollah."
"Hezbollah attacked Israel, Hezbollah started the crisis, and Hezbollah suffered a defeat in this crisis," the president said. "The reason why is, this is because there's going to be a new power in the south of Lebanon, and that's going to be a Lebanese force with a robust international force to help them seize control of the country."

Well, dang it, the Texas schoolboy speaketh, thereby bringing the United States of America down to the level of cheesy-ness in which most Arab extremists exists. I mean, can't they just go at it on some metaphysical schoolyard somewhere like this:

George W. - Hey you Hezbollah terrorist punk! Good thing the bell rung because we were just about ready to kick your butt!

Sheik Nasarallah - are the terrorists!! Anyway we won! A great strategic victory!!! the way....rung is poor english.....I went to Oxford you stupid man!

George W. - No. We won, and shut up about my english or I'll go nucular on you!!

Sheik Nasarallah - Aiiee!!! You infidel, we won a great victory. Only the principal has stopped us today.

George W. - No. The principal is a harbinger of freedom. Freedom will prevail and you lost.

Sheik Nasarallah - I will kill you now, great Satan!!!

George W. - Oh yeah? You gonna take me on with all of my worldly friends here with me? I've got a coalition of the willing here, so watch out buster!!!

Sheik Nasarallah - Hey George, it's only you and me and the Israeli guy left out here and I already beat him up pretty good.

So the argument goes on and on while Tony Snow sheperds rest of the 1st graders back into the classroom, assuring them that it's all good.

Well, I wonder why Tony Snow, who speaks for the president, and George W. Bush, who I think speaks for the president can't decide who won in the span of 3 hours. Is it Israel? Or is it diplomacy? Well, I'll tell you what I think. It's all nice for the administration to put out the spin that diplomacy won, and then they can throw a bone to Condi while they do it, but they can't admit to a stalemate on this one, no matter how many civilians will be spared death. They could have just been mature and prudent and left it at "diplomacy has won," but no, not these guys. They tied it to the war on terror, just like they do in Iraq. They raise the spectre of Iran's nucular(isn't Geoge W. a darling?) ambitions in the Lebanese conflict as well.

If they admitted that Hesbollah wasn't defeated in this settlement, and that this conflict is part of the war on terror, then they would be meeting their own criteria for cutting and running.

And now we've come full circle. The iraq war, diplomacy, the war on terror, cutting and running, and we can't leave out - school boy mentality. What is left out of all this is Al Qaeda. That's because that is where the real war begins and the administrations smoke screen ends.

- Plimpie.


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